if i had a million-zillion wishes, i'd choose one to let you know that Gibberish is...

So I'm back from my post hiatus. I've not done much interesting lately so I'll spare everyone the boring details. I'm here to talk about the future, man.

I have no idea what I want my life to be. One day I'm very close to God, while others I don't even think God can exist. One day I love Michelle, the next I pray that she doesn't call me. I want to be so smart but I don't want to try. I want to have fun and be goofy with my friends but I don't want to get too close to anyone.

It all comes down to relationships with me. I define myself on what I feel others feel about me. I really don't care what others actually think about me, I just need to think that I know what they feel. I take my life on in mostly a third person. It is very rare that I feel that I am anything but a casual observer in my life. Those few things are: Tennis, Basketball, watching aforementioned sports, and being very happy. When those things occur, i feel as if i am a part of them and that is good.

The reason I am talking all about this now is that I am very scared about who I am going to end up as and who I am going to end up with. Not just in the sense that I'm with a woman as my wife but the entire collective of people around me. And that frightens me. I don't know if I'll have any of the same friends that I do now. I don't know if I can keep the same mentors in my life in a big role. I don't know how I intend to make new friends when I barely keep the ones I have.

Julia and Valerie and Essex are my true friends and I see them going out of my life very soon. Julia is on a path that is much bigger than I am. I can see that for sure, she'll find a cause or something. It's her destiny. Valerie is an enigma and I'm not even sure if she thinks of us as close. Essex is flaky and has some serious emotional issues and is already an adult and I find myself having a harder and harder time dealing with him.

I think that's all I have to say for now. I don't know. I guess this is the conundrum all people in major transitions go through. I'm about to leave one place for another, will the people around me stay or serve the same purpose they once did, and do i even want them to? I hope I find out soon because I hate the constant state of limbo I'm in right now. Talk back, please.

"Ratio tile, the wish power are together with you."